Monday, November 29, 2010

Great Holiday Advice!


1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas
spirit.  In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately.  Go next door, where they're serving rum

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like
fine single-malt scotch, it's  rare. In fact, it's
even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it
any other time  of year but now. So drink up!  Who
cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?  It's
not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic
or something. It's a treat.  Enjoy it. Have one for
me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's

3. If something comes with gravy, use it.  That's the
whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.
Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes.  Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made
with skim milk or whole milk.  If it's skim, pass. Why
bother?  It's like buying a sports car with an
automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your eating.  The whole point of
going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's
food for free.  Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between
now and New Year's. You can do that in January when
you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long
naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of  food and
that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the
shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them
and don't budge.  Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention.  They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,
you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a
slice of each. Or, if you don't  like mincemeat, have
two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.  When
else do  you get to have more than one dessert? Labor

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded
with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it
at all cost.  I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you
leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't
been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but
hurry, January is just around the corner.

Have a great Holiday!


  1. Seven is my favorite. I have been known to firmly plant myself in front of a dish on the table, and not leave until it is all gone!

  2. But I love carrots! And thanks to them I can usually get through the holiday season without buying clothes more than one size larger. Did somebody say eggnog? Yes, please! It's not even December yet and it's snowing at noon. I'll take a double, please.

  3. Oh no!! It can't be Christmas again already. I haven't lost the tum I got last Christmas yet.